The idea of naming what is happening in the room is one of the healthiest tools in the field of counseling that is currently known. One way to look at this, as I was recently reminded, is to think of each phenomenon as the game. The value of naming a game is enormous.
Naming without Shaming
For instance, there are times when abuse needs to be named. If we can do this early on, identify it, and put it on the table, it can be discussed as an object, without assigning blame, in a safe environment, and without scaring away someone who is abusing someone and cannot yet understand what they are doing. What calls is not immediately dangerous. The person engaging in potential abuse, it is hoped, can meet the concepts without feeling accused.
The threat is heightened by the accusation itself.
The advantage of naming the game is that we reduce its power.
Before we continue, it is important to recognize that many abusers will not recognize their actions as abusive. But each person in therapy needs to have the chance to consider the therapist’s advice and make their own decision. Everyone should be given the chance to repent, including those who are prone to abusing others. The abuser is not beyond God’s miraculous grace. However, it is necessary to repent (have a change of heart that results in a change of behavior).
Counselling Friends
Another game that comes to mind is the simple fact that going through therapy can and frequently does entail a complicated process and a confusing jumble of feelings.
Churches occasionally require us to give advice to our friends, but we should give them the chance to understand that the game can alter friendships.
When a relationship is exposed to the reality of the therapeutic process, it is wise for the pastor and counselor to recognize that the relationship is open to disruption or even destruction.
It’s amazing how many relationships actually do change when permission is asked for and granted during a gentle yet firm interrogation of relational dynamics in order to stop toxic patterns and give marriages and other family dynamics new life.
The advantage of naming the game is that it allows people to choose to participate or not in the process after being warned.
Sometimes it is a pastor or counsellor’s job to put at risk the personal relationship they enjoy with the person to improve a family relationship that person has – “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends,” it says in John 15:13.
People gain control over reality through issue identification.
The advantage of naming the game is that we reduce its influence.
Citing cause for Encouragement
Working with a pastor or counselor presents one of life’s great opportunities because it’s likely that they will point out something—and perhaps more than one thing—to encourage. Given that the majority of people burn out as a result of discouragement, not having been noticed, acknowledged, praised, or valued, or even having been rejected or left out, the importance of encouragement cannot be overstated.
Yet those in helping professions have an amazing talent for spotting people’s areas of brilliance as they get to know them.
This contradicts the previous two points, according to which the power of naming the game—the strength or performance of someone who has gone unnoticed—is a power for truth through the identification of the game, not a power that is taken away.
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Some people do exploit others, particularly those who are compassionate. There is no place to run, though, once the game has been called. A true form of freedom can be realized once the game has been given a name.
My father-in-law, Ray Brown, is honored in this article for his wisdom.